Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
