I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
