halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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