two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
