2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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