Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
