I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You dont lie about slip and slides
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
