alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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