Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
