im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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