She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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