In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
