I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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