I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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