I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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