I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
