Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
