i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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