Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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