just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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