Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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