Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's always time for handjobs
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize