im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
