How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize