now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Randomize