we have pet lesbian snakes
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We talked him into tasing himself.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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