i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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