I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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