everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
