my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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