T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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