i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
