I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
