Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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