My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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