I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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