haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
