just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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