ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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