I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
