Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
