My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
