U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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