my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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