Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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