No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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