it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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