Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
