her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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