Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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