U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
