Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
