What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
