im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
