I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
