My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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