rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
