please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
