One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
