I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
