I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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