Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize