haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
