It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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