So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
