eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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