I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
