I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
