Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
