my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
