I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
