If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize