Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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