At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
