The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
