mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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