Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
