opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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